The Best Story Ever! By Gojyo
by ProdigiousGirl
Summary: Gojyo's bored...'nuff said. DISCONTINUED...sorry
1. The Best Past Ever

The Best Story…Saiyuki:

Gojyo: Hey Bitches! I'm SOOO bored so I'm writing a story. . . yeah…a story.

Goku: ;-; I'm hungry! I wanna go out and eat!

Gojyo: That's too bad!

Hakkai: Have fun!

P'g: Don't hurt my computer!

Gojyo: go to hell authoress…

Sanzo: Would you all shut up! I'm trying to relax!

Gojyo: Fine…your highness…

Sanzo: (glares at Gojyo)

* * *

Chapter one:

Ok, so once upon a time, there was this stupid ass monk who…was just stupid. He ended up in some monastery or whatever because he just did. He grew up to become a know-it-all jackass. Anyway, one day he heard a cry coming from a mountain…and who could blame him. The noise was really loud! If he wanted to kill it (which he did) I would totally support him.

Sanzo: Hey, little Neanderthal kid…shut up.

Little Neanderthal kid: My name is Goku, and I heard you calling me.

Sanzo: What? You must be smoking some real cheep shit.

Goku: . Would you just get me outta here.

Sanzo: Yeah, whatever…

Ok, so Sanzo-sama saved the little Neanderthal and they headed back to the monastery. There the little monkey, known as Goku, lived with the monk. I'm sure the monk was tempted many times to rape that stupid monkey, but didn't because the monkey was so stupid he probably wouldn't even realize he was being raped. Anyway…later on in life this dude named Cho Gono was killing demons. He escaped and ended up kind of dead somewhere. Just when Gono's life was about to leave him the GREAT and WONDERFUL Gojyo showed up! He was like a beam from the heavens!

Gono: Oh wonderful man who is greater than the gods themselves please save me!

Gojyo: Of course I will little man! Because I am just so wonderful!

Gono: Indeed you are!

So Gojyo the Great saved Gono and they lived together for awhile. Anyway Gono realized he had something to do and ran off to do it. The stupid monk and his even stupider companion showed up just as Gono was about to leave.

Sanzo: Pardon me, your greatness, but is Cho Gono there?

Gojyo: So what if he is?

Sanzo: Could I possibly speak with him?

Gojyo: NO!

Sanzo: ;-; Oh, I'm sorry for bothering you…

Gono: Gojyo! Don't spare your wonderful and beautiful life for mine!

Gojyo: wasn't planning on it…

Gono: Thank goodness.

Goku: HEY! IT'S THAT GUY! THE GUY WE'RE LOOKING FOR SANZO!

Sanzo: BAKA SARU! You're right!

Goku: (smiles) What can I say! My nose knows!

Gojyo: You idiot! You saw him with your eyes!

Goku: ;-; I'm sorry, please forgive me.

Gojyo: Eh…ok.

Goku: Hurray! (dances around him throwing flowers everywhere)

Anyway, Gono went off to kill some more demons or…whatever. The great Gojyo wasn't really concerned with that. The monk and monkey however were and followed him (after getting a serious ass kicking from me!). I decided to follow them. Low and behold we found Gono! The maniac was trying to rip his eye out.

Gono: I RIP MY EYE OUT SO THAT GOJYO THE GREAT WILL BE SPARED!

Gojyo: Man, you really are an idiot! I'm so strong that it doesn't matter if some little bird youkai tries to attack me…

Gono: You're right!

Goku: Is you're eye ok, Gono-san? I can't tell because I'm so stupid!

Gojyo: Yes…yes you are.

Ok, so Gojyo the Great decided to do Gono a favour and destroyed the bird-jin youkai guy.

Sanzo: I have to take Gono back with me now.

Gojyo: YOU PISS ME OFF SANZO! (kicks Sanzo in the stomach) (smiles) I feel so much better now. Ok, I will let you take Gono back…but as long as

Sanzo and Goku stole Cho Gono away…but because I, Gojyo, am superior I was able to track them down and found out that Gono could start a new life and change his name.

Gojyo: I hereby say your new name is Hakkai.

Hakkai: Thank you so much Goyjo-sama!

Gojyo: Aw, it was nothing.

Gojyo looked over to the side. Sanzo bowed to him. He walked outside. All the monks bowed to him too. Gojyo the Great wondered where the stupid monkey went so he headed off to the garden. He saw Goku with a puppy. 'How nice.' He though. Just then, the stupid monkey picked the dog up and swallowed him whole.

Gojyo: O.O What the hell!

((End of Chapter One))

* * *

Hakkai: Gojyo, you look a little frightened…Daijoubu?

Gojyo: Yeah, I'm ok.

Goku: So! What did you write? Can I read it?

Gojyo: Maybe when you're a bit older.

Goku: O.O…oh…

Sanzo: (grabs the laptop) Give me that. (reads it and gets pissed off) WHAT IS THIS! (shoots Gojyo with his gun) This is bullshit!

Goku: O.O What is it?

Hakkai: (sweatdrop) I don't believe it's anything for us to worry about, Goku

((Next Chapter: Gojyo calls up Martha Stuart.))


	2. Martha, Seagulls, and Horrible Brothers

P'g: YAY! (hugs viewers) Thank you everyone took the time to read my story! And a double thanks to you who reviewed it! (smiles) I'm pleased to announced that I, Prodigious Girl ((glares) who because of cannot add stars or squigglies to her name) have won the, "I'm an awesome authoress" award!

Goku: Wow! Really?

Hakkai: (smiles) How nice for you! Who'd you win it from?

P'g: Um…well…

Gojyo: YOU DIDN'T WIN ANYTHING! DID YOU!

P'g: (cries) leave me alone! I lost my special ring yesterday! I'm sad and cranky and I've got a lot of school work to do!

Goku: (is confused) but didn't you just graduate yesterday?

Gojyo: (smirks) Yeah, on 6/6/6?

P'g: (glares) yes…

Sanzo: It doesn't matter; she still has two weeks of school left.

Goku: Wow…sucks to be you.

P'g: …Goku…do you even go to school?

Goku: …um…

P'g: Didn't think so.

Gojyo: ARGH! My fans aren't here to read this! They wanna see me!

Hakkai: Or possibly Martha Stuart…

Goku: Who?

Hakkai: Never mind…

* * *

(((Chapter Two- Martha Stuart, Seagulls and Horrible Brothers)))

(Thunder crashes outside)

Hakkai: We'd better hurry up and finish putting this tent up! Goku, will you help me?

Goku: Sure! Since I'm not afraid of the rain (smirks at Sanzo)

Sanzo: (evil death glare at Goku)

Goku: (spazzes and leaves to meet up with Hakkai)

Gojyo: I'm so bored!

Sanzo: What the hell do you expect me to do about it?

Gojyo: Well…you could possibly shoot yourself for my entertainment.

Sanzo: I ought to smack you.

Gojyo: Try it!

Sanzo: …too lazy. I'm reading.

Gojyo: You're always reading!

Sanzo: (points to laptop) You can use that…just don't tell Goku.

Gojyo: (ultra happy)

* * *

Gojyo: HEY ALL YOU PEOPLE! I'M BACK!

Goku: Hurray! All hail master Gojyo!

((Sanzo, Hakkai, and Goku dance around Gojyo))

Gojyo: Please, you're embarrassing me…

Random Youkai 1: Mr. Superior Gojyo! We've come to fight you in hopes of being able to defeat you even though we know it's completely futile!

Gojyo: (laughs superiorly) Then why'd you come if you know it's useless?

Random Youkai 2: Because! Because I have a dream…a dream of being able to have a loving family living with me in a little brick house with a white picket fence!

Random Youkai 3: Yes! I hope to own a successful chicken farm one day!

Random Youkai 1: I want to be a dentist! (is overly proud of self)

Random Youkai 4: (smiles happily) I'm a youkai!

Gojyo: (annoyed look at R.Y.4) Thanks genius, like I didn't already know that.

Goku: I won't let you hurt our superior leader!

Hakkai: YES! We must all protect Gojyo-sama!

Gojyo: Didn't I tell you three years ago that I could kick anyone's ass?

Hakkai: Well yes…

Gojyo: Well then…?

Hakkai: I'm sorry…please forgive me.

Sanzo: I'm just being utterly quiet because I have nothing special to say.

Gojyo: That's right; because you're a human you're useless…

Just then, Martha Stuart comes jumping out the bush with a flame torch gun thingy…

Martha: DIE ALL YOU YOUKAI…AND HAVE A LOVELY DAY! (burns them)

Gojyo: Woah, Martha! What are you doing here?

Martha: I came to give Hakkai the scarf he ordered. (hands Hakkai a green scarf).

Gojyo: I thought Hakkai could knit…

Martha: Of course he can! Where do you think he learned from?

Goku: (frowns) I'm hungry because I suck…

Martha: That's ok, Goku. I have a cooked turkey in my bag, let me get it for you.

Goku: YAY! TURKEY!

Sanzo: I'd like a beer.

Gojyo: Me too! Do you have that, Martha?

Martha: Of course! (gives them a beer)

Hakkai: It's very hot we should find some shade.

Martha: Fear not, Hakkai, I have a solution to that. (pulls out one of those picnic table tent things)

Hakkai: Wow…is there anything you can't do, Martha?

Martha: No Hakkai, I can do absolutely everything. All I need is some paper and I can create anything for you.

Hakkai: How interesting!

Goku: Not as interesting as our master, Gojyo-sama.

All of a sudden the Kougaiji-itachi…er…whatever show up! Gasp!

Kou: I've come here because I'm lonely. (random seagull flies into Kou's face)

Gojyo: (laughs) That bird just owned you!

Dokugakuji: (huge gasp) Is it? Could it be true? MARTHA STUART! (races down to her) Martha! I'm you biggest fan! Could I have your autograph? I read you latest book!

Goku: Oooooooooooh, snap.

Hakkai: (smiles) Hello Yaone-san.

Yaone: Oh, Hakkai-san! I'm so glad you're here! I NEED YOU! (runs to him in slow motion and huggles him)

Hakkai: Yaone-san! You know I only live for Gojyo-sama!

Gojyo: Ah, that's ok, I don't mind Hakkai.

Goku: Hakkai! Is that blood on your shirt?

Hakkai: Where? (looks down to see a blotch of red on his shirt) (Gasps!) (Gives off a girly blood curling scream) (faints)

Goku: Oh wait…(smiles) it's only ketchup! (rips off Hakkai's shirt and eats it).

Sanzo: Where's my snuggle love bunny, Lirin?

Kou: She's been abducted by Dr. Nii.

(a cell phone rings and Kougaiji goes to his pocket to get a "star trek" cell phone out of his pocket)

Kou: Hello?

Voice on Phone: It's called 'love' not 'abduction' (hangs up)

Kou: um…

Yaone: Who was that?

Kou: It was Nii.

For some odd reason the sun turned around and looked at everyone. It was wearing shades and it spoke…-

((Gojyo: GOKU! GET AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!  
Goku: But I want a turn!  
Gojyo: YOU CAN HAVE ONE LATER! BAKA SURU!  
Goku: DON'T CALL ME THAT!))

Anyway, the stupid monkey's imagination was really getting out of hand. He said the sun turned around and was talking like Michael Jackson. Goku all of a sudden started stripping down.

Sanzo: Baka Saru! What are you doing?

Goku: The sun! He told me that it was really hot and that I should be naked.

Martha: You shouldn't trust people like that, Goku. They could hurt you.

Sanzo: I'm so moody because I'm Sanzo…RAWR…

Dokugakuji: Like we should all like, totally go play mini-putt some time.

Gojyo: Hey, Bro.

Doku: Yeah?

Gojyo: Don't ever say that shit again.

Doku: (cries hysterically) I'm so sorry! I'm such a horrible person! (runs away)

And as the sun sets on the Gojyogian Empire everyone takes a puff of a smoke in salute to their great leader and love obsession, Gojyo.

* * *

Gojyo: Yup…good stuff.

Sanzo: (glares) you're full of bullshit.

Goku: Much bullshit.

Sanzo: (glares at Goku) Don't copy me, Saru.

Hakkai: (sweatdrop) now, now you guys, this is no time to be fighting…we should get some sleep.

Goku: But what about my turn on the computer?

Sanzo: too bad…

Goku: (pouts)

((Next Chapter: Kami-sama likes stealing kittens and turtles…))


	3. Kittens, Shoes, and Burning Idiots

P'g: RANDOM INTRO!

Goku: Have you noticed you have no "disclaimer"

P'g: Really?

Hakkai: Yes, it's missing. You should write one quickly!

P'g: Sure…I own Goku.

Goku: What?

Gojyo: That's it?

P'g: Yup.

Goku: That's not fair!

Hakkai: (holds up a sign saying: P'g does not own these characters but wishes she did)

* * *

(((Chapter 3: Kittens, Shoes, and Burning Idiots)))

Gojyo: It's midnight…and no sex means more time to go on the computer and ramble about how great I am…

* * *

Gojyo: Good morning minions!

Sanzo: I've decided to rebel against you, Gojyo-sama.

Gojyo: Oh no you don't you son-of-bitch! (sets Sanzo on fire).

While the Oh-so-superior Gojyo was torturing Sanzo a fake Sanzo named Kami-sama was playing Barbies with the little girl that lived down the mountain from him.

Kami: I'm playing Barbie! (strokes Barbie's hair)

Little Girl: But I want to be Barbie!

Kami: Well we can't both be Barbie!

Little Girl: But it's MY Barbie!

Kami: Then I guess I'll just have to make _you_ my Barbie!

Kami turned the little girl into a Barbie. Just then the sky roared and the greatest being ever broke down the door. There is a whole bunch of light and some random people go blind in Africa.

Kami: (gasp) How did you find me?

Goku: (smiles happily and waves hands in the air) Ooh! I know, I know! Pick me!

Everyone stares at Goku like he's an idiot because he is an idiot…

Goku: (points to Gojyo's head) Gojyo-sama's antennae found you!

Gojyo: THEY'RE NOT ANTANNAE! (light Goku on fire with his lighter)

Kami: Dude, did you just set him on fire?

Gojyo: Yeah, I so owned him.

Kami: (nods head) Yes, you did.

Gojyo: Anyway, this is the end for you Kami-brat! I've heard you been stealing kittens!

Kami: and turtles…but is there a problem with that?

Gojyo: Yes! I hate you and you should be shot.

Hakkai: You should learn to walk a mile in other people's shoes, Kami!

Goku: But then he'd be a mile away from them…and he'd their shoes!

Sanzo: Can we please fight! I have a brooding appointment at 5!

Hakkai: Now would that be a.m. or p.m.?

Gojyo: AN APPOINTMENT? BROODING? YOU DO THAT ALL DAY!

Kami: Ok, but I must ask, will I be seriously injured?

Goku: There have always been injuries and deaths in our fighting…but none of them were serious.

Every looks at Goku like he's an idiot…again…

Gojyo: (punches Goku)

Everyone: (Cheers)

Sanzo: Now, let's send him to that one word place that we keep somehow escaping…_After Life_.

The Gojyo-ikku and Kami fight matrix style.

Kami: Argh! I'm no match for them! I'll never win (blows up).

Hakkai: How excellent! He self-destructed!

A random phone in the middle of the room rings. Gojyo picks it up.

Man: Is this Gojyo-sama?

Gojyo: Why yes…it is.

Man: Gojyo! You've just won the Nobel Peace Prize!

Gojyo: …no surprise…

Goku: (is sad) I'd kill for Nobel Peace Prize…

Hakkai: Well…we'd better go. We're going to need to get gas money.

Goku: Well in that case we should borrow some money from a pessimist…

Hakkai: Why? Because they won't expect it back…?

Goku: How'd you know I was going to say that? (is totally astonished)

Hakkai: I have telekinesis…

Goku: Wow! If you have telekinesis, raise my hand! (raises his hand in the air)

Hakkai: Um…Goku…that kind of defeats the purpose of me raising you hand in the air…

Goku: (looks at hand) Oh, right…

Gojyo: We're going to have to move at the speed of light if we're going to get to India in time!

Goku: But what are we going to do when it's dark out? Does dark have a speed too?

The group begins to walk towards the jeep when all of a sudden THE TELETUBBIES POP OUT!

Everyone: AH! (they run the rest of the way)

Sanzo: Those things scared me half to death…

Goku: Then you'd better not get scared half to death again…

Everyone: Bad joke…

Goku: …joke?

Everyone: Never mind…

Goku: HEY! Guys! I'd like to drive this time!

Gojyo: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!

Goku: No…I sold it on eBay! (is uber proud of self)

Gojyo: You're still not driving.

Sanzo: LUR.

Goku: But I have to!

Hakkai: Why?

Goku: Because I have to listen to the voice in my head…he said if I didn't he'd destroy my vegetable garden…

Hakkai: you have a vegetable garden?

Goku: (smiles happily) YEAH! It's in my backpack!

Gojyo: (Shoots Goku)

Sanzo: I need to somehow get on the net.

Hakkai: Oh. Well the internet is a great way to get on the net…

Gojyo: … (shoots Hakkai and Sanzo too)

* * *

Sanzo: (is pissed) WHO THE HELL IS ON THE COMPUTER! GET OFF!

Gojyo: …damn… (logs off)

* * *

(((Next Chapter: disappointing books, muppets, and crazy fangirls)))

P'g: YAY! Erm…that's all I really have to say. If you guys have any ideas feel free to put them in your comments or message me!


	4. Disappointing books,muppets,and fangirls

P'g: Hurray! I've gotten over writer's block! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

((Chapter four: Disappointing books, random muppets, and crazy fangirls)) 

(Goku is furiously typing on the computer. Gojyo comes in and takes it from him)

Goku: HEY! ASS! I was typing on that!

Gojyo: Too bad. (signs in and continues his story while Goku complains to Sanzo about it)

* * *

Gojyo: Ok…I'm back. 

Miss Piggy: OOOOOOOOOOOOH GOJYO! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU!

Gojyo: …Erm…

* * *

Sanzo: Give Goku back the computer (steals it away and gives it back to Goku) 

Goku: HURRAY! (smiles) I'm going to write my own little story!

Gojyo: DON'T EVEN THINK OF TOUCHING MY STORY!

Goku: (glares at him) I'm writing my OWN story!

* * *

Goku's Totally Awesome Story That's SOOOOO Much Better Than Gojyo's:

Hakkai: Goku, I'm glad you showed up, I got you something to read on the way.

Goku: Hurray!

Hakkai: (pulls out a book)

Goku: AWWWWWWW, a book… (is disappointed)

Hakkai: I also bought you a HUGE bag of chips.

Goku: HURRAY!

Miss Piggy: Can I share with you?

Goku: WOW! Miss Piggy! How'd you get here?

Miss Piggy: You wanted me here.

Goku: COOL! I'm so awesome!

Sanzo: You are, and I'm so glad you're on this team.

Goku: (teary eyed) Wow, thanks Sanzo… (sniffle)

Miss Piggy: He's right though, Goku! You're the greatest in the world!

Kermit: I agree!

Goku: WOW! HI KERMIT!

Kermit: HI GOKU!

* * *

Sanzo: Saru, your time is up… 

Goku: (frowns) Awwwww…

Gojyo: YES! FINALLY!

* * *

Anyway, as the superior one was writing before, the Gojyo-ikku were off on another adventure to the west. They were really getting sick of driving. All of a sudden Goku thought he saw something out in the middle of the desert. 

Goku: LOOK! It's a mailbox!

Hakkai: In the middle of the desert?

(They reach the mailbox)

Goku: Now we can mail ourselves to India! (puts a stamp on his forehead)

Gojyo: …great, we'll meet you there, Saru.

Goku: AWESOME! (tries to climb in)

Gojyo: I was joking you dumb ass…

Goku: (frowns) I'm sorry.

Hakkai: Pardon if I'm wrong but…(he points to a flat square grassland) Is it just me or is that a soccer arena?

Goku: HOLY SHIT! THE WHOLE SCENERY JUST CHANGED! WHERE ARE WE?

Some Random Chick: AYE! SIE SIND IN DEUTSCHLAND JETZT! (Translation: Aye! You're in Germany now.)

Goku: (is sad) She didn't have to yell.

Gojyo: AWESOME! The world cup must be going on!

Sanzo: (points to the roof) Look! There's Kougaiji!

(Everyone looks up to see Kougaiji waving a Japanese flag)

Everyone: …um…

Dokugakuji: BE A REBEL! VOTE SOUTH KOREA!

Kougaiji: NO! JAPAN WILL WIN!

Goku: SAAAAAAAAAANZO! Who do you think will win?

Sanzo: I'm too stupid to know about soccer…

Hakkai: (raising his index and smiles) Actually, in Europe they call it football.

Goku: Wow…

Gojyo: Yeah well…If I tell them it's soccer…it's soccer.

Random French Guy: NEVER! WE'LL NEVER CALL IT SOCCER!

Gojyo: OH YEAH!

RFG: YEAH!

Gojyo: We'll just have to have a soccer match to determine that…

RFG: ARGH! It's football!

Saiyuki Fangirls: YAY! SAIYUKI BOYS! KAWAII!

Ok, so Gojyo, Sanzo, Hakkai and Goku change into soccer jerseys. Their colours are yellow and brown.

Goku: I'm like…so super excited, and can't like…wait to win.

Everyone: SHUT UP!

The French team comes out wearing their white and blue uniform.

Zidane: Bring it on Gojyo-ikku!

Gojyo: You got it Zidane!

Henry: Hey, hey, wait! There's only 4 of them and 11 of us! They'll loose easily.

Gojyo: Ha! We'll see! We'll beat you in no time flat!

Kougaiji: (runs in) I want to play too!

Gojyo: NO WAY!

Barthez: It would probably be better if you let them play. 8 verse 11 is a lot better than 4 verse 11.

Gojyo: (glares at Barthez) Hey! No one asked you! This is my story and I'll tell you when to talk!

Barthez: (mumbles profanities)

Goku: GUYS! LET'S HAVE A HUGE TOURNAMENT WITH ALL THE TEAMS! WE'LL PLAY THEM TO BE NUMBER ONE!

Gojyo: DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO BE QUIET! Ok, look guys, here's the idea, we're going to have a tournament with all the teams to prove that we're number one.

Hakkai: Wow! Great idea, Gojyo! Where do you get your brilliance?

Gojyo: Ah you know…I just think things and they happen…so anyway (turns to the viewers) It's up to you guys!

Goku: What is?

Gojyo: Sanzo will go through that.

Sanzo: (has somehow changed into a referee's suit) Ok, here's what's up. You first off you guys are going to vote if you want the Kougaiji group to play in the matches with us. Second, you guys are going to vote if want us to face off against every team to see who's the best; them or us? If you vote yes, please select the country you'd like us to face off after France.

Hakkai: Wow…that's the most I think I've ever heard Sanzo say in his whole life…

Sanzo: (blushes) yeah…you know….

* * *

Hakkai: Sorry to cut you off Gojyo, but I need to do the banking.

Gojyo: Eh, that's ok, I need to wait for results on something anyway…

((Next Chapter: Another 100 years war? And whatever you decided…))


End file.
